Three nights ago I sat in my car, crying The Ugly Cry, gobbling down triple cheese mac & cheese from Sheetz. My mighty war chest of tools was powerless against the downward spiral of doubt, negative self-talk, and exhaustion. No amount of meditation, essential oil, positive intention, or prayer could pull me out of it. Neither did the mac & cheese.
It’s embarrassing to admit how much I struggle. After decades on the healing path, you’d think it gets easier. It really doesn’t. At least not in my experience. It gets different–maybe even better–but not easier. It might actually get harder. Sort of like I thought 4th grade math was hard, until calculus kicked my ass. The more we raise our game, the more the game advances. The bible tells us, “to whom much is given, much will be required.”
I am living life at a level I never imagined possible for myself. I have long ago out-played my playbook, outdriven my headlights, gotten up above my raisin’. I do not have it all figured out. In fact, I am making it up as I go along. I feel like an idiot most days, stumbling, bumbling into my destiny. I pay attention to what works and what doesn’t, and share what I discover. Like anyone in recovery, I will rely on my tools every single day for the rest of my life. “Easy” wasn’t in my cards. But “extraordinary” was. Both have their pros and cons.
Time, a couple good night’s sleep, and a satisfying day of work have given me perspective since my Sheetz meltdown. I am learning some important stuff here. I am in the calculus phase of my personal development. Some more layers of inauthenticity are falling away. Deeper clarity is being revealed. Greater possibilities are opening up. I expect to post those selfies soon. In the meantime, I’d better brush up on my theorems and proofs. According to Wikipedia, Calculus is “the mathematical study of change.”